Getting your oomph back week 13

Relationships are important. They can shape our lives and our futures in many ways. Its important to also remember the impact we can have on others in relation to how we behave towards them. When we are thinking about getting our ‘oomph’ ‘zest for life’ back, its also helpful to consider the relationships in our lives. The value they bring to our lives and the value we bring to theirs.

It is also helpful to consider the level of control we give away to others. Remember the car of life if we are not driving or navigating who is? If someone else is driving, do you trust them to get you to where you also need to be?

It is also worth considering whether these relationships are uplifting, one thing to consider is if you were to start over again, would you still choose to be friends? If not perhaps take a moment to reflect what has changed. Remember, these reflections are for selfcare and not a replacement for professional advice.

Family relationships can sometimes be more complicated. These reflections will not go into that in detail here as family dynamics is worthy of a series of self-reflection workbooks in their own right. Effective communication is at the heart of all relationships and sometimes in families there can be communication breakdowns, what one person says is not what the other hears. The following are some simple ideas which may be of interest to help improve communication and understanding within families.

  • Touch base on something that perhaps has been hard or good since you last spoke.
  • Be curious about things that are coming up.
  • If its between parents and adult children maybe ask is there anything you need from us, or something you would rather we didn’t do?
  • If a lot is happening, maybe focus on one topic at a time.
  • Check does the person want advice or simply a listening ear?
  • Who else needs involved in the conversation?
  • Agree how you share online e.g. response expectations to texts, group chat, shared album.
  • If things perhaps did not go as planned, this may be helpful
  1. Name it gently: “I think we had a misunderstanding yesterday.”
  2. Impact (no blame): “I felt dismissed when…”
  3. Need/request: “Next time, could we…?”
  4. Reconnection: “I care about us—can we reset?”

If emotions are high: take a 20-minute break and agree a time to resume (same day if possible).

  • Show appreciation and share when you will connect again.

These are just some ideas, it may be depending on what is happening that it would be worth speaking to an appropriate family therapist.

When thinking about friends and relationships in your life are these ‘go for it’ or ‘be careful’ friends. Do you feel encouraged or put down and criticized. There are times when it is helpful for us to be reminded of risks associated with ideas we may have, however, encouragement is about helping us move forward with our plans and ideas, not putting us off doing anything all together.

We live in strange times but being told its bad and going to get worse all the time can really leave us feeling flat. Be mindful of how much time you and those near to you spend on what is wrong and explore ways to remind each other what you appreciate.

Time to reflect. What does a healthy relationship mean to you, what characteristics does the person have?

Remember, balance is important in relationships, so perhaps reflect not only on what you seek from others, but what you offer to others too.

Relationships can be complicated and like anything we do can mean we need to invest time in making them work for all concerned. These tips may also be of interest https://www.copescotland.com/resources/tips-to-feel-closer-to-others and https://www.copescotland.com/resources/tips-to-bring-more-love-into-your-life

Some points for reflection are you at a time in your life when you would like to make new friends? If so, these reflections may be helpful.

  • Where could you go to meet new people?
  • How will you identify if these are people you want to connect to?
  • If something is stopping you making new friends, have a think that this may be and how you may overcome these obstacles.

Relationships at work are also important. Here are some tips about the qualities you may want to find or nurture among the people with whom you work. They may also be qualities you are seeking in personal friends. And, of course, they are qualities you should try to show to others in your life.

  • Reliable
  • Flexible
  • Caring and kind
  • Sharers, not users
  • Problem solvers, not troublemakers
  • Responsible, not people who avoid blame and ‘pass the buck’.
  • Respectful and worthy of respect
  • Fair and good at ‘give and take,’ not keeping score or holding grudges.
  • Clear communicators and really good listeners
  • Team players

Being curious and interested in others, can also remind us of what we are interested in which can help restore our zest for life. Next week we will look at that in more detail. For now this may be of interest https://www.copescotland.com/resources/tips-for-being-interested-in-others Boundaries are also important in relationships, these may be helpful tips if you are interested in boundary setting https://www.copescotland.com/resources/boundaries-postcard

Please remember you matter and be kind to yourself

Hilda

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